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"EMBRACING STABILITY"

In the dissociated hole I dug to avoid feeling, I got lost in new chaos, only to encounter more challenges I had to confront. Self-destruction and disorder became my norm, making stability seem distant and alien. Even brief moments of silence and solace felt uncomfortable. I've never felt "stable". I never had any stability as a child or as a young adult. I watched those around me flee from inconvenient to monumental internal or external situations and struggles. It, too, became ingrained within me to avoid, flee, or freeze. 

I lived in a perpetual hurry; I fed my mind with distractions to avoid facing reality or momentary silence that gave me clarity to think. Working high-stress jobs filled me with what I now know to be a false sense of purpose. Mainly by equating working 60-80 HR weeks to being successful and overextending myself to fuel self-worth. Despite my genuine desire to help others, I unconsciously used the pain of others to mask my trauma, and in the end, if I couldn't save someone unwilling to be "saved," I felt guilt and shame on top of failure. Even in some warped way, it felt like I was gathering examples and statistics to prove to myself, to my own negative core beliefs, that I wasn't good enough. My worries had validity, and I concluded that I needed to work harder."