must be the full moon

coffee stained linen canvas + coffee grounds + mika pearls + plaster + concrete stucco 
10 x 10 handmade coffee stained circle canvas. 

“must be the full moon” started as a fun little painting inspired by the statement I say almost every full moon to my partner. *and last night while skating after gazing at the huge bright full moon*

”ohhhhhh!!! it’s a full moon! that’s why I’ve been like this! must of been the full moon” 

the last few days I found myself in a trauma response cycle that I was very much aware i was trapped in, but in the moment felt almost impossible to dig my way out. I know there will be moments/days/weeks/months like this. I have proof and experience those days end. I also now know the root cause of the cycle typically has nothing to do with my current situation. I am currently on a journey of trying to accept feelings as they are, and realize my subconscious/body has been programmed for most of my life to react in a certain way. I have distanced myself from all people who have made me question my physical/emotional safety. I am now in a safe, loving, and stable situation in which I know deep down I can let my guard down. But it is taking me longer than I expected to fully trust and let go of the fear of being hurt. 

I have always tried to find a rational explanation outside of myself for my fear and feelings. When there isn’t one, my brain works REALLY hard to find an explanation that would/could cause me to feel these intense feelings to prepare myself for pain. almost every time these feelings crop up it feels like my inner child/ child investigator comes out of a box trying to solve the mystery of “what is actually going on”.

When in reality that feeling is just a feeling too, not a fact. When I’m looking for an explanation, forming a unconfirmed story, anything that is fitting to that story can add to the narrative. Adding to the panic/paranoia.

If this cycle repeats for a few days and I can’t seem to shake it, I subconsciously start investigating and over analyzing trying to figure out WHY I’ve been trapped in the cycle. Always jumping to the worst case scenario, my body preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. With the awareness i have today, i can start to identify which triggers are harder to cope with. When those difficult trigger points are hit, my mind creates theories instead of doing what I have learned to do to cope with other triggers. the investigation to figure out WHY I’m having a few “bad” days always leads to more anxiety. when I reflect on how much worse I made the situation once I’m out of the panic, it starts a cycle of guilt and shame. I’m exhausted wondering how many times I will sit in the audience of my own life watching myself make the same mistakes instead of coping with the intense feelings. It feels impossible in the moment. I now have hope that with time and practice I will be able to cope with those intensely uncomfortable feelings. In the heat of dealing with ptsd/mental health flare-ups, it is confusing, exhausting, and hard to explain in words. Painting has helped me tremendously to cope when I feel like nothing else is helping— accepting the feelings and the state I’m in is a lot easier when I pick up a paintbrush. 

Feelings pass.  I know eventually I will walk out of the cloud of panic feeling like sun is hitting my face for the first time. last night after I tried to blame the full moon and make excuses for not being able to control my reactions to my anxiety; I realize she deserves an apology. and a thank you for shining so brightly and forcing me to take a look at a defense mechanism I need to work on.