real days

12 x 12 framed original watercolor. 

i was about to post these photos with the caption “what a great sunday” but in reality it was, in big patches, and then it wasn’t. the thing that brings me the most intense sorrow is that I have everything I have always wanted and more. and i cannot even fully enjoy it. an amazing partner, the opportunity to build a business of my dreams, getting to express myself artistically everyday, and staying sober through really difficult situations. these are all things that I thought would make me part ways with my anxiety more frequently. how is it that I cannot enjoy these things because of the intrusive thoughts that it’s too good to be true?

“the end is near! it will come crashing down!  you will end up hurting once again!”

then the control comes spiraling back trying to hold onto anything to prevent the discomfort but in actuality I have control of nothing; my chest tightens and my the brick in throat starts coming back. it sits in my body longer than it ever has because I have nothing to instantly gratify those feelings away. this is healing. the constant activation of fight or flight in my nervous system isn’t going to just go away. i have to emphasize with myself that these feelings are here and i will figure out how to make them go away.

if this was a real depiction of how yesterday went it would be the utter joy captured in these photos you see, but then next would be a photo of me curled up on the couch crying/shaking/pleading with my mind to allow me to enjoy today fully. following that would be the journal entries that organize my anxious intrusive thoughts into what was real and what was not. then the deep breathing. the counting. trying to get back to my body as my emotions go from extreme panic to complete dissociation.

“You look so happy!” “You lost so much weight!” “You look so good! You seem to be doing the best you’ve ever done!”. I am happy, but finally in a way that isn’t made up of instant gratification and things outside of myself. i allow myself to feel the pain, i communicate how I’m feeling, i am learning to accept this part of me that has been in a little box because I was scared to feel it. I am healing. Healing looks like days like this.

social media messes with my head. everyone looks so happy, and effortlessly living life joyfully and serene. I don’t want to only display the best days, just the real days where there is a combination of joy and pain. the uncomfortable moments make the good moments true. i refuse to have good moments masked with a reality that isn’t my own, one that I’ve tried to create to make it easier to be ok. these good moments I’ve had recently have purely been with the women I am meant to be. a women who walks through pain, is true to herself, and accepts that PTSD doesn’t just go away.

i want to see your real days too.