It doesn’t have to destroy me

24x49 Charred maple, acrylics, spray paints, charred poplar frame.

I've learned that i must find positive outlets for anger or it will destroy me’ - Sidney Poitier 

Harnessing emotion in a beneficial way instead of letting it be detrimental is difficult. Also, not letting anger/emotions determine how you view the world and feel about yourself/ life. Although anger and frustration can be uncomfortable, to say the least, they can be great motivators. “It is wise to direct your anger towards problems- not people, to focus your energy on answers-not excuses” - William Arthur Ward

This practice of re-directing frustration has been a helpful contributor to my growth and motivation. It aids in the effort to stay emotionally regulated while also being productive. Whereas when I was younger anger would be a self destructive force that would lead me deeper into the habits and actions that had me stuck in life with a loop of self depricating and destructive behavior. I turned that anger inward to be fuel and justification for self-sabotage instead of using it as inspiration for improvement.  “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” -Buddha.

As a recovered alcoholic and drug addict it has been a journey to re-program how i respond to emotion and how that emotion shapes who I am. drugs and alcohol is an easy quick fix to numb those emotions, or amplify and misconstrue them, and induce an illusion of being taken out of that situation. I got used to avoiding and escaping. It’s like i made my identity to be a sacrifice for the person who i should have been. I was okay with being complacent. Having been predisposed to alcoholism and addiction, it is hard to know how much responsibility to take for that part, which I may not have had much choice in, but recovery and continued sobriety is my responsibility. Also, continually trying to mature emotionally while being on the spectrum is a task that can be frustrating. 

having been through those stages where i drank the poison to spite those who hurt me, or to hurt myself for being hurt, i can use that experience as knowledge to know that is not the solution. I can be aware of my anger as a message that there is something i need to change or that there is something worth fighting for. Or someone. "Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment. Your anger knows that you deserve to be treated well and with kindness. Your anger is the part of you that loves you."

"Anger is not bad. Anger can be a very positive thing, the thing that moves us beyond the acceptance of evil." Now, what moves me the most is the contempt I have for who I was when I was complicit when I used self-pity as the motivation for intoxication, when I used anger as fuel for a rebellious signal fire that was only burning away my potential. Being able to react to life and the people and things that are not right with us, with a mission to translate that feeling into something positive, understood, or useful, is a good alternative. Channeling anger, pain, joy, hope, loss, and love, along with all the other encompassing emotions, into something that has value, that’s what art is, to me: expression of the things that would drown us if there was no cup to pour in. It is the alternative to self-destruction. It is self-preservation. Pouring myself into creating something that can transmute my emotion into a tangible experience that can be visualized or heard and felt viscerally is the ultimate solution to the condition of being human. 
-Connor R. 2023