self control

30 x 40 canvas in thin black wood frame. this frame was not made by visceral home - this is a re-purposed canvas+frame thrifted from an antique shop in NC, I repainted the frame and canvas.  

oil + ink + concrete stucco + plaster. 

one of the largest changes I’m working to make in my life, emotionally and physically is the practice of self control. 

I have a bad habit of over explaining myself in fear of miscommunication, over thinking the tone of a word coming out of someone’s mouth,  over analyzing simple situations which create large situations in my head, and related to art: adding more detail than intended. once I start painting I can’t stop- I have an idea of simplistic expression which if I do not physically put the brush down and clean up my space, I will not stop creating until my intended vision has disappeared into immense unplanned detail. in most cases, that has been the universe urging me to keep going, and I typically love the final outcome. 

but for some reason if I start a project that I want to be simplistically complex instead of busy texture with so many things to say—- idk when enough is enough. This painting I put my brush down and gazed at it for a while- loving the simplicity of a few large textured detailed and said to myself “it’s complete”. A few moments later I was back at it again with my plaster  knife ready to add unwanted texture just like the way I add unneeded/requested details in conversation. 

I learned this habit is a form of people pleasing with the deep core fear of being judged. caring what people think of me has been a deeply rooted fear since my first few memories as a child. With this realization the last few years, noticing all the ways I lack self control has helped me understand it’s blanketed essence in all areas of my life. 

I stepped away and let this painting be simple- understood in few words, understood in a firm way lacking over explanations and over analyzing its completeness. I believe my self control directly comes from a lack of self trust, which is something I see slowly flowering everyday as I learn more about myself and my evolving core beliefs.