the place between now and then

ground hematite. medium coarse hematite. linen. leather. concrete. sand. oil. ground rose quartz. raw red clay pigment. housed in a handcrafted poplar frame. 40 h x 31 w x 2 d

“The place between now and then” bears many paintings within her, all remaining, until I met her final form. She had a set intention that was destined to be something else entirely. There is healing in the act of letting go of control. A process of confronting expectations and asking the universe sincerely to blindly guide your journey. The space where you experience an absence of rumination over the past or future. The space where you celebrate the choice to let go; center, ground, and immerse in the present moment. The only moment existing is now.  

My art process is a healing anchor aiding me to stay within the present moment. This painting is filled with many layers I labeled mistakes, co-existing with details I celebrated for re-invigorating my creative expression. To unlearn only celebrating victories is one step closer to finding acceptance. Each of those layers exists within each other, a guiding light to completion, and without them, she would not be her. There were weeks where I kept re-layering concrete on top of concrete, sanding details I wasn't happy with any longer, and removing embroidered wool stuck within the canvas. Experiencing a fleeting feeling of frustration, fueled by expectation and self-judgement.

Greeting insecurity with kindness is at the center of my creative process. Each piece starts as a journey to acceptance of flaws, and an exercise to gain confidence towards disregarding the opinion of others. 

Art has allowed me to break down the walls I built intended to shelter me from rejection. Abstraction has led me to find my voice and exhibit her freely. I experience a newfound feeling of emptiness and disconnect when I stay in a space where I am not true to myself. In the past, I found safety in hiding my true identity and holding my story hostage. Crafting what I thought to be an illusion of happiness. To show my art is my public stage to expose my heart and announce I am okay with any outcome. May it be praise or dismissal, either way, I am safe. 

The completion of this piece, just like many before it, is an alignment of serendipitously placed details formed by chance and in trance that collaborate to make a vision come alive. I made a personal promise to release art I only feel an authentic connection with. May it represent success, pain, flaw, or triumph; each moment is still authentically me.

"The place in between now and then" is a genuine illustration of my internal tug-of-war between staying present and slipping into rumination. A fine shaky line, held together by a few threads. After years of hard work to practice awareness, I now have a front-row seat to observe myself slipping away into a loop of negative thoughts. Identifying the loop slows it down.  

This work encapsulates fleeting thoughts of self-doubt, felt and processed, leading back to a state of awareness. Our very human fight keeps us on a path of growth and change. My old internal script was challenged by an outline detailing situations that created those false core beliefs. The situations that started the loop vs. new skills to stop it in its tracks. Embarking on a new path guiding me away from fear and carrying me to an open door grounding me to the present moment. 

The process is the art itself. Layers of fresh paint drying and aging are the details of my being that no longer serve me, but remain. Multiple versions of myself living within me have all served a purpose for my survival.  What’s gone has made you what you are but not who you are. 

I find the art closest to my heart are those pieces that were "meant to be something else". Just like situations in life that were motivated by unrealistic expectations, misdirected energy was used only to end up with an outcome completely unexpected yet exactly what was needed. The practice of being present is a path to the practice of letting go of expectations. the place between now and then.

- PROPERTIES OF HEMATITE: You may or may not feel drawn to gemstones, or believe in their healing power, but it's hard to deny the pure beauty of knowing the earth's pressure creates these stunning stones:

"The Hematite crystal is connected to the root chakra, the center of security and survival. By creating a strong sense of energetic stability, this crystal works to align, clear and balance your root chakra so you feel centered and secure. Not only do the Hematite crystal healing properties lend a sense of grounded-ness and stability, but they can also help you to feel energetically protected by guiding you to release any energies that may be destabilizing you. "