masking femininity

32 x 26 x 3 handmade canvas + espresso stained sugar pinewood frame. plaster + oil + sand + concrete + coffee grounds + ink + powdered rose quartz + powdered rust. 

This painting centered me today- allowing me to focus enough to realize I was starting to slip into an old way of thinking that doesn’t serve me anymore. Which made me start reflecting on my gratitude for my partner- gazing at him from the other room while he builds a canvas for me.

I am about to share something I’m embarrassed about- I only do so with the hope that someone else has felt this way and can gather some hope from my story.

Being in a relationship with someone with cPTSD can be challenging, exhausting, and confusing. It leaves me feeling sorry for my partner having to deal with my mental health issues, and I would never let my walls down enough to let anyone completely in. I lacked knowledge on how to communicate my needs/lack of boundaries/extreme fear of the unknown. I felt like a burden, and most days still do, manifesting in extreme people pleasing behaviors that set me up for devastation. All of which made me grow self hatred for myself that I didn’t think i would/could ever work through. in 12 step programs one of the biggest suggestions is to not get in a relationship the first year of sobriety. when I got sober for 3 years before this last relapse I remained single and thought of my healing in romantic relationships as “complete”.

I met connor and knew he was my person. I immediately felt safe, loved, secure, hopeful, and excited for the future. I’ve never felt love and connection in the way I do with this human. The more we got to know each other, the more vulnerable I allowed myself to be, and as my walls started coming down I froze. The fear of “when will this end” and “this isn’t real” crept into every minute of every day. It was crippling and still can be. I’ve never had a partner show me with his actions what love and trust and partnership should look like. He has. He has shown me love in ways that I haven’t experienced before. I used to talk about/day dream about this fictional being I haven’t met yet to my best friend and she would reassure me that no one else can fix me. It’s true. I wasn’t waiting for someone to fix me, I thought that if I was loved in the way I deserved to be, the intrusive thoughts revolving men would go away.

From multiple traumas, I grew a hatred for men that was unfair for the men I’ve never known. There are humans out there that can love every part of you, and treat you with the love you deserve. Never settle for less than you deserve. Even if you don’t believe you do just yet.   The most mind blowing retaliation for me has been, my fear is at an all time high in the first healthy relationship I’ve ever been in. Which has brought about healing parts of myself that have been untouched and brewing a storm I didn’t know about. I have said to him many times this isn’t your responsibility, and it isn’t fair for him to clean up a mess he didn’t make.

Relationships are messy sometimes. Love is compromise. Love is healing. Love is hard sometimes. 

I’ve been in domestically violent, mentally and physically abusive relationships in which I now know the difference between “love is hard” and “it’s hard to love you”.

I remember seeing a quote saying “love shouldn’t be that hard”.  Which made me question this loving relationship I am in to be something not right. I imagined a healthy relationship to be a movie, because I’ve never been shown what it should look/feel like.

but my partner said something to me that I have never had anyone say to me before. In past relationships my anxious thoughts have been met with anger, frustration, name calling, and large arguments making me retreat back from being vulnerable at all.

I was going on and on about the “what if’s” and “when is this going to end”. my brains corrupt way of trying to keep me safe has always been to lie to me that all good things are too good to be true. fear is writing that script in my head. but even in the knowing of that fact there’s moments of such deep discomfort in letting go of control that i start believing those lies circling around my mind. *I’m not good enough to deserve honest, loyal, true love* those core beliefs are so deeply in bedded in my subconscious that any affirming ounce of evidence to prove it to be true becomes screaming anxious thoughts, pushing all factual evidence away. my partner said “but what if that isn’t true?”. When my brain starts jumping to conclusions believing the worst case scenario, he pointed out: what if you fought that thought with the same amount of power saying “what if that isn’t true”.