filling the void

38 x 38 x 3 canvas housed in antique walnut wood pieces built into this special custom frame. plaster + concrete + iron paint + rust activator + crushed crystal quartz + crushed blue kyanite + powdered black onyx + black oxide watercolor from the french quarries + sand from folly + oil + ink + acrylic + linseed oil. 

The more I validate my own worth, validate why I am worthy of my own love: the smaller the longing becomes.

My void is filling, I know i'm becoming whole. I also know when I’m acting out of fear of abandonment, rejection, and people pleasing. There’s no magic switch. I used to think when you realize where the negative coping mechanisms and negative behaviors stemmed from, having that knowledge and awareness would be enough. Along with talk therapy, and really trying hard to change. Wanting it in every part of your being. It was pretty frustrating realizing decades of conditioning and filling this empty part of myself with anything that would bring me instant gratification was going to take a long time to reprogram. 

Theres this beautiful part of recovery where your awareness feels so deeply empowering, like you now know all of the secrets to your inner universe. In the same token, having that awareness and watching yourself make decisions that are not aligned with who you want to be anymore can be devastating. Almost like giving your best friend advice and watching them go back to someone that was causing them immense pain. My new behaviors, crawling back to my old behaviors because it feels safe. 

The more I notice I am not craving attention from anyone else, the more I notice my mood isn't affected by what I fear others are thinking about me : the closer I feel to wholeness.