filling the void

my past involves self inflicted painful memories from the endless search of what will fill the void. i thought the answer was ending the relationship with destructive gratifications that filled it momentarily.  

even honest and raw love from another human couldn’t fill it. no amount of positive “healthy” external affirmations  

or activity 

or hobby 

or body of water 

or meditation 

could fill it. 

it can only be filled with my own love, my own love for my own precious being.

I have desperately searched for the void to be filled using the most pure intentional external forces. god. yoga. motherly energy. i confused those positive forces for unconditional love for myself. those are actions of self love. 

my personal definition of the void I’ve felt most of my life is a deep sinking feeling. a feeling of deep longing. longing for external forces to validate the love i want to cultivate within myself. 

the more I validate my own worth, validate why I am worthy of my own love: the smaller the longing becomes. i know it’s filling, i know I’m becoming whole. the more I notice I am not craving attention from anyone else, the more I notice my mood isn’t affected by what I fear others are thinking about me: the closer I feel to wholeness. 

this painting represents the filling of the void, knowing I have work left to do, but admiring and honoring the process I’ve made so far. 

36 x 36 x 2 hand built canvas. plaster + concrete + iron paint + rust activator + crusted crystal quartz + crusted blue kyanite + sand + oil + ink + acrylic + linseed oil.