filling the void

38 x 38 x 3 canvas housed in antique walnut wood pieces built into this special hand-crafted frame. plaster + concrete + iron paint + rust activator + crushed crystal quartz + crushed blue kyanite + powdered black onyx + black oxide watercolor from a french quarrie + sand from folly + oil + ink + acrylic + linseed oil. 

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Being told I was unconsciously attempting to fill an internal void, was a turning point moment in starting to understand my behaviors. My void was a place within me that felt like an empty abyss starving for external validation. a deep emptiness felt in every fiber of my being. Presenting emotionally and physically, craving any conformation that could provide comfort, reassurance, and a feeling of safety. My personal experience coping with this emptiness was so diluted, I had no idea my behaviors and thoughts were so intertwined with eagerly searching for self-worth at any cost.  I became immediately defensive anytime I was confronted with a conversation aimed to aware me of my own co-dependency. Digesting their genuine attempt to help to be another testimony proving I am not good enough. My worth was contingent on fitting into societal beauty standards, never being "too much" or "too sensitive", ensuring loved ones were not mad at me, and making sure I did anything to prevent others to see me how I saw myself. I absorbed any conflict or disagreement as my fault. I was stuck in a burden mentality that overflowed into every relationship, career, and situation. 

My first step towards healing was becoming aware of my own behaviors, core beliefs, and how I perceived the world. Identifying when and how I started to feel that empty feeling expanding within myself, and how I started to fill it. Awareness is the first step toward any change. I am becoming whole without needing evidence of my worth. Moving about the world in a mindset of burden hood was preventing me from breaking free from toxic and abusive relationships. It created this internal guilt and shame that was so strong I idolized everyone around me thinking they knew the answer to a secret I'd been searching for since some of my first memories. I had to become my own self-advocate. I had to put my trust in myself, my ability to make decisions, and my worth by building self-esteem. Self-esteem builds through esteemable actions. I had no self-respect, if I did I wouldn't trust the opinions of others over my own. 

Today, I have to take a personal inventory of when I am acting out of fear of abandonment, rejection, and people-pleasing. I HAVE TO have a therapist who can guide me to create a self-analysis that will not feed into a cycle of guilt and shame. There is no magic switch. I used to think when you realize where the negative coping mechanisms and negative behaviors stemmed from, having that knowledge and awareness would be enough. Wanting to change without continuous action, is like patching a leak with paper tape. It will hold the water back for a little while, but those feelings will eventually break through. Decades of conditioning and filling this empty part of myself with ANYTHING that would provide me that rush of instant gratification was going to take a long time to reprogram. 

There's this beautiful part of recovery where your awareness feels so deeply empowering like you know all of the secrets to your inner universe. By the same token, having that awareness and watching yourself make decisions that are not aligned with who you want to be anymore can be devastating.  Almost like giving your best friend advice and watching them go back to someone that was causing them immense pain.  Crawling back to old behaviors because it feels safe. I ask myself, consistently, would I treat my best friend the way I treat myself?

The more I notice I am not craving attention from anyone else, the more I notice my mood isn't affected by what I fear others are thinking about me: the closer I feel to wholeness. I feel whole when I am my own self-advocate. I feel whole when I stick up for myself, and what I believe in. I feel whole when rejection feels like an opportunity. I feel whole and full of self-love and acceptance when I take the path I was scared to take. I feel whole when I am vulnerable enough to confront my faults and welcome the unknown. The void was filled solely by the beauty of flowers from the seeds I'd planted myself.